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Pain. Not pain like a battle wound, but the kind of pain you get when your heart aches, because you love someone so much but cannot be with them. This is true pain... pain you feel when you're in love. Love causes worse pain than any force on this Earth. I know, because I have felt that pain, the pain that only comes from an aching, lonely heart.
Sometimes I feel that nothing is worth constant pain. I felt that way before... when I was not in love. I thought that love was foolish, and only lead to sadness. If you love someone, you cannot help but worry about them, or miss them when they are away. I tried running away from love. It doesn't work, because thoughts of that person will come back to you, no matter how hard you try to make yourself forget.
I love Cloud Strife. Although I was afraid to admit it when I was younger, now I know that you cannot hide your feelings for someone, no matter how hard you try. The person you love will gradually consume everything you do. I can't go for a single minute without thinking of Cloud, or somehow being reminded of him.
I often think back to that night in Nibelheim... Cloud and I couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen years old. We were such innocent children. Sometimes I wish I could be a carefree child again. Cloud told me he was going to join SOLDIER, and I wondered what made him want to do such a thing. Later he revealed that it was because of me... he gave up his childhood to join the army... because he wanted to impress me, and hopefully make me think he was brave, or strong, or other things men want to be. If he only knew that I already thought he was a wonderful person. He didn't have to prove himself to me. I always felt bad because of that. I sometimes wonder if he joined SOLDIER to try and run away from his feelings for me, just like I left Nibelheim because I missed Cloud so much.
Sometimes I simply cannot hold back my feelings, and I break down and cry. Crying isn't a sign of weakness, but a way to express emotions that have no other way of being expressed. Love does make a person cry. I often do feel foolish to cry over Cloud. I never cried for any man before. I have had a few other boyfriends, but I never felt close to them, not like the closeness I feel with Cloud. When my past boyfriends decided it was time to move on, I never cried. There was a part of me that was glad to see them go, I guess. Other parts of me made me wonder why I ever decided I "loved" them in the first place.
My heart will always belong to Cloud. Sometimes this makes me feel trapped. Wouldn't you feel trapped if you knew you practically belonged to a person? Not physical belonging, but mental belonging. The fact that I knew I would always ache for him, always want to be with him, until the day I died... it enraged me, somehow. Love isn't sweet all the time. I hated feeling this pain, yet nothing I could do would ever make it go away. The more I separated myself from Cloud, the more I hurt.
Then there was the night Cloud took me on a date at the Gold Saucer. Actually, I'm sure Cloud didn't want to think of it as a date, because I knew he didn't think of me romantically... or, maybe he didn't want to, or was trying to hide the fact that he actually did have feelings for me. Despite the awkwardness of being alone with Cloud, that night was fun. The feeling I had when Cloud and I were a "couple" was something I'll always cherish. At one point, we were watching the fireworks, and I looked over at him to find that he was looking right back at me. I stared into his deep, cerulean-blue eyes... how I wanted to kiss him. I like to think that perhaps he wanted to kiss me, too. I guess we were both just too afraid of what that one kiss might do.
The first time Cloud did kiss me, it was as if time stopped. We were sitting outside the Highwind, everyone else had gone home to their relatives and friends for the night, but Cloud and I had no one to go home to. I was watching the sunset, and Cloud leaned over and gently kissed me. At first, it was a shock to me, but I suddenly realized I had been wanting this ever since I met him. When I think back to it, I smile as I remember his soft, warm, moist lips, and the way such a strong man could be so gentle amazed me. I do believe I was the only one he ever showed his softer side to... not even Aeris. I also remember feeling sexual desire for him. I had always waited for the moment when Cloud and I could share our love. In fact, I was reluctant to be with other men because of my feelings for Cloud. Yet I wonder, is the waiting even worth it? Sometimes I feel that Cloud and I will never get a chance to be together, but I still know that no other man will ever make me happier than Cloud already has. That night I slept with my head on Cloud's shoulder, and his arm around me. For the first time since I can remember, I was truly happy.
I still have childish daydreams of Cloud and I as a couple, married, and maybe even with children. Me, a mother? I couldn't picture myself ever giving birth or raising a family. I always thought people like Aeris would make much better mothers than myself. But, still, there was a part of me that wanted to bear Cloud's children. I guess, for me it was just a way to prove our love... what better way to show your love for someone than to produce a child? Although, I personally don't want a large family. Maybe having one child would be nice... it's funny to think about.
Aeris... I always seem to mention her, somehow, don't I? She was such a major part of everyone's lives. Hell, she basically saved the entire planet. I know she is probably much stronger than I'll ever be. She gave her life to save a planet full of people who had outcast her. I knew Cloud had feelings for her, from the moment he saw her. Even Cait Sith said they were a perfect match, and his predictions were usually always a joke. Cloud's facial expression when Aeris was killed is something that will haunt me forever. The shock, horror, and sadness on his face was awful... yet, he never once lost his cool, stoic manner, even when he had to put Aeris's lifeless body to rest. I couldn't have done it. Aeris and Cloud are both so strong... I suppose they did deserve to be together. I never hated Aeris or disliked her in the least, but now I feel that, since she's gone, I might have a small chance to be with Cloud. I know, it's selfish, but I can't deny what I feel. I never liked competing with Aeris, because she was so perfect... and what was I?
I'm not sure what's been going through Cloud's mind, lately. He stays alone, isolated, most of the time. I think
he just wants to find himself and determine what he wants to do with his life. My heart aches every single day
that I can't help him. I wish I could do something for him, or show him how much I care about him. I know, in
my heart, that he loves me, too. I can't give any reasons why, because it's just a feeling I have. I will always
keep the memories I have of him in my heart, even if memories become the only thing I have left.
About this short story(by the author Razynne): This is a little fan-fic I wrote, which tells Tifa's thoughts and feelings about Cloud and her relationship with him, and it takes place after the end of Final Fantasy 7. If, for some strange reason, you'd like to actually use this story on your website or someplace, please let me know before you do. Thanks. ^_^